Colic, Meningitis, Myocarditis: A Mother’s Unthinkable Year with Shelley | 009
Shelley’s story is one that so many women quietly carry. From her early days in Dublin to building a career as a fertility nurse in London, she had spent years supporting others on their journey to parenthood—while feeling unsure about whether motherhood was truly for her. Ultimately, she chose motherhood believing that regret might weigh heavier than fear. What followed was far more complex than she expected.
We talk honestly about the shock of sleep deprivation, the emotional tug-of-war of returning to work part-time, and the internal split between professional identity and maternal instinct. Shelley also shares the terrifying chapter of her daughter’s meningitis diagnosis and hospital stay, layered on top of caring for another sick family member. Through it all, she reflects on losing pieces of herself, learning to ask for help, and redefining what strength really looks like. This conversation is a raw look at modern motherhood, working motherhood, maternal mental health, and the courage it takes to prioritize self-care without guilt.
Key Takeaways
- Anticipatory regret can shape major life decisions, especially around motherhood.
- Career identity and maternal identity don’t compete—they require intentional integration.
- Crisis moments reveal the gaps in support systems and the importance of community care.
- Self-compassion is a skill mothers must actively practice, not something that comes automatically.
About the Guest:
Clinical nurse specialist, working Mum to a 6 year and 2 year old. Navigating motherhood and coming to terms with my new identity. Believer in girl power.
About The Host:
Dr. Christelle Oliver-Dussault is a family physician with a clinical focus on aesthetic medicine, women’s health, and psycho-education. Her work is grounded in a holistic, whole-person approach that integrates medical science with a deep appreciation of the mind–body connection. Alongside her clinical practice, she is deeply committed to medical education and mentors the next generation of family physicians through her work with the Department of Family Medicine at the University of British Columbia.
She is the founder of Reclaim The Pink Within, a community created to support women through life’s most profound transitions. This project was born from personal experience. After becoming a mother, Dr. Oliver-Dussault became aware of a quiet but profound shift in her sense of self, one she had long observed in her patients, yet only fully understood once she lived it herself. What had once been a clinical observation became a deeply personal insight, shaping the lens through which she now supports and guides other women.
You can connect with her on Instagram at @drchristellemd and @reclaimthepinkwithin
Website: www.getyourpinkbackproject.com
Email: info@reclaimthepinkwithin.com
Medical Disclaimer
The Reclaim The Pink Within podcast is intended for educational and informational purposes only. The content shared in this podcast reflects the personal views and professional experiences of the host and guests and is not intended to replace medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
While Dr. Christelle Oliver-Dussault is a licensed physician, this podcast does not constitute a doctor–patient relationship. Always seek the advice of your own qualified healthcare provider regarding any medical or mental health concerns, diagnoses, or treatment decisions. Never disregard or delay seeking professional medical advice because of something you have heard on this podcast.
Thank You for Listening
Thank you for spending your time with us and for being part of the Reclaim The Pink Within community. This space exists because of women who are willing to listen, reflect, and engage in conversations that are often kept private. Whether you are in the midst of transition, questioning who you are becoming, or simply seeking connection, your presence here matters.
Your willingness to show up—for yourself and for others—is what makes this project possible.
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New episodes are released regularly, each offering insight, reflection, and shared experience.
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Transcript
it's like one of the biggest guilts that I have as a mother
Speaker:is being a working mother. And not because I feel I'm letting my kids
Speaker:down, it's because society makes me feel that I'm always letting
Speaker:everyone down. So it's like, if it's not,
Speaker:you know, my work, it's something else, or someone's
Speaker:kind of saying something to kind of make me feel like
Speaker:less worthy or less of a good employee because
Speaker:I need to go to an appointment or I need to do something or
Speaker:I need to leave early to get my kids. And I had an interesting
Speaker:conversation about, you know, that
Speaker:whole kind of thing recently. And I kind of was
Speaker:told like everyone has to compromise. And I just really
Speaker:don't think that I should have to compromise between my job and my kids.
Speaker:And I actually feel like I can have it all if you allow me
Speaker:to have it all. Welcome back. I have Shelley here with me today,
Speaker:who is a mom of two and a fertility
Speaker:nurse specialist in London, and she's kindly
Speaker:agreed to share some of her personal and professional experience with us today.
Speaker:I think we will all gain quite a lot of insight from her.
Speaker:So Shelley, welcome, and thank you so much for taking the time to chat to
Speaker:me today. Thank you for having me. I'm excited.
Speaker:Mm-hmm. So what I've been doing the last couple
Speaker:chats is I think it really helps, I think everyone understand
Speaker:who you are. Uh, if you can paint us a picture of it, of what
Speaker:your life was like before you became a mom, before you had children,
Speaker:and how then that all changed.
Speaker:Yeah. So I'm originally from Dublin,
Speaker:um, and I moved to London when I was 19,
Speaker:um, because I couldn't do nursing in Ireland, they
Speaker:wouldn't have me because I kept failing maths, which probably isn't
Speaker:very reassuring as a nurse. But I
Speaker:promise I passed all my university maths. But
Speaker:yeah, no, so I moved over when I was 19 and I qualified
Speaker:as a nurse and began working on the wards and
Speaker:quickly went into kind of women's health and
Speaker:really enjoyed it on the wards and worked there for around kind of 3 years.
Speaker:And then decided I wanted to specialize in something. I kind of was
Speaker:sick of the long days, the night shifts and that kind of work.
Speaker:So I went into fertility nursing because I knew that
Speaker:would be more of a kind of 9 to 5, Monday to Friday.
Speaker:And then from there, kind of continued to work and met my husband
Speaker:Liam. And yeah, just kind of
Speaker:grew from there. And we kind of met when we were 25
Speaker:and Yeah. And like 7 years later
Speaker:got married and, and that was that.
Speaker:And what were your expectations of
Speaker:motherhood before you became a mom, or did you even have any expectations
Speaker:or thought of what it might be like?
Speaker:I knew I wanted to be a mom. Um,
Speaker:but I definitely didn't wanna rush into it. I definitely had
Speaker:reservations. About becoming
Speaker:a mum too soon. I think I wanted kind of the
Speaker:perfect setup. Like, I wanted to have a house,
Speaker:um, I wanted to be married, I wanted to
Speaker:have a job that was secure. I kind of felt
Speaker:that was important to me. Looking back, it's not important,
Speaker:but at the time, um, And so
Speaker:I think I knew it was always going to be hard, but
Speaker:I, I wouldn't say I yearned to be a mother, but I knew that the
Speaker:regret of not doing so would be worse than doing
Speaker:so, if that makes sense. So I definitely wasn't like, I
Speaker:definitely want to have kids, that's definitely going to be for me.
Speaker:But I, I certainly didn't want to live with the regret of not having
Speaker:kids. And so there wasn't really any
Speaker:expectations of, of motherhood. I didn't think
Speaker:it would do anything apart from
Speaker:lighten my life and, and be kind of give me something that I
Speaker:didn't have. And how did you find
Speaker:the transition then when you first came along?
Speaker:I think I found it
Speaker:I kind of, I remember having Jake and I remember being in
Speaker:the hospital literally after having him and all my
Speaker:colleagues, and because I had, I gave birth in the hospital
Speaker:that I work and all of my colleagues came up to see me and I
Speaker:remember them leaving after they'd seen me and me going in my
Speaker:head going, I don't need to do this. I can go back to work
Speaker:and Liam can do it. And I
Speaker:remember like that honestly at that
Speaker:time felt real, like in my head I was like, that
Speaker:makes perfect sense. Like,
Speaker:and then when I got home,
Speaker:I, yeah, I think it was just,
Speaker:it was hard. Like I can't. I think with me,
Speaker:like, everyone that told me having a child would be hard, I
Speaker:believed them. Everyone told me that giving birth was
Speaker:hard, I believed them. But the reality is, until you're
Speaker:in it yourself, you can't,
Speaker:you can't say to someone, you're
Speaker:going to be really sleep deprived and it's hard because
Speaker:physically that feeling is so different than
Speaker:someone saying it. So I kind of knew in my head
Speaker:this is going to be hard, but the reality of it was, was much
Speaker:harder. Jake wasn't necessarily a difficult baby, but I
Speaker:remember I just could never sleep. Even when he slept,
Speaker:I couldn't sleep. I was just so on edge all the time.
Speaker:Yeah, you know, he would make noises and I'd be awake
Speaker:then for 3 hours, and I was just completely sleep deprived, like, all of
Speaker:the time. Um, But I just kept going. I just kept
Speaker:going and going as we do. And I just thought it was normal.
Speaker:You know, there was no kind of like, I
Speaker:didn't have anyone to really bounce off because Jake was actually
Speaker:10 weeks old when we went into COVID for the first
Speaker:lockdown. So it
Speaker:was kind of like I couldn't really do anything apart from walk. And that's
Speaker:all I did. I used to just go walking and walking and he wouldn't nap
Speaker:and he would only nap when I walked. So I just
Speaker:walked forever. Basically.
Speaker:And yeah, I just kind of, yeah,
Speaker:I found the transition difficult, but it was, there
Speaker:was so much going on. And I think I was really naive. And
Speaker:I think I thought that it was all normal.
Speaker:And I think there was
Speaker:joyful, like, parts of it. But really, I was like, oh my
Speaker:God, like, this is a new way of life because of COVID
Speaker:and also a new way of life because you have a baby.
Speaker:So like you're dealing with all of these different things. It was hard.
Speaker:It was hard. Yeah. Did Liam
Speaker:get much time off or how did that work with your family
Speaker:unit in terms of maternity recovery? So he, I think with Jake, he,
Speaker:yeah, I think with Jake, he got like a month off. So he got like
Speaker:4 weeks, but Then when COVID was
Speaker:coming, he basically, I think the day before
Speaker:COVID he was like, I'm not coming in anymore because he was like, I've got
Speaker:a newborn at home and I don't want to
Speaker:risk bringing COVID into the house. Cause no, none of us knew like
Speaker:what it was. Oh yeah. We had no idea what was going on. Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah, exactly. And I think then I
Speaker:10 weeks, 12, 11 weeks, he started working from home.
Speaker:Um, so he was actually around, but he was working. So I have to
Speaker:say that was good because I can't imagine how it felt for
Speaker:women on their own with a newborn where their partner
Speaker:has to go in, like whether they're a doctor or nurse, whatever.
Speaker:Um, so it was nice to have even just an adult in the house, even
Speaker:if it wasn't someone necessarily helping you.
Speaker:But yeah, he was around for that part.
Speaker:And then when did you go back to work and
Speaker:how did you find that transition of going back to work after
Speaker:having been at home with Liam? Not Liam, sorry,
Speaker:Jake. Yeah, so I was 13
Speaker:months, I got off from the NHS,
Speaker:which is amazing. And I went
Speaker:back part-time. So I was,
Speaker:um, sorry, I was part-time or I was full-time
Speaker:and then I went part-time. Um,
Speaker:and basically
Speaker:I was part, no, I was full-time. Then I went part-time. Um, and going
Speaker:back, I found really, really difficult. Um, not because I
Speaker:wasn't ready to go back. I think I was probably ready to go back probably
Speaker:earlier. Than 13 months, um, on
Speaker:reflection. I didn't feel like that at the time. I
Speaker:absolutely hated going back and only being in 3 days a week
Speaker:because I felt like I couldn't really get stuck into anything.
Speaker:Like, I felt like I was half, like,
Speaker:nurse, half mother, and everything was just shit.
Speaker:Like, there was no kind of good points of
Speaker:it. Like, I'm just running around and everyone is getting the
Speaker:best of me, but I'm not feeling worthwhile at
Speaker:all. So that was, that was hard.
Speaker:But my job is also really important to me. So
Speaker:I was really lucky that when I
Speaker:went back, there was some consultants who kind of reached out
Speaker:to me and said, like, would you look after our patients
Speaker:privately, like our private patients, and you can do that whenever
Speaker:you want in your own time. So I started doing that,
Speaker:and that kind of made up for the loss that I felt from going part-time
Speaker:with the NHS. So I would then basically fit
Speaker:in other patients and kind of became a solo
Speaker:nurse, I suppose, in some ways, and doing nurse
Speaker:consultations and supporting patients through fertility treatment.
Speaker:But I found, I mean, I still
Speaker:find it the hardest part of parenting is
Speaker:trying to work and have kids.
Speaker:And I just feel like our society
Speaker:entirely lets us down. And it's like one
Speaker:of the biggest guilts that I have as a mother
Speaker:is being a working mother. And not because I feel I'm letting
Speaker:my kids down, it's because society makes me feel that I'm
Speaker:always letting everyone down. So it's like,
Speaker:if it's not You know, my work, it's something
Speaker:else, or someone's kind of saying something to kind of
Speaker:make me feel like less worthy or
Speaker:less of a good employee because I need to go to
Speaker:an appointment or I need to do something or I need to leave
Speaker:early to get my kids. And I had an interesting
Speaker:conversation about, you know, that
Speaker:whole kind of thing recently. And I
Speaker:kind of was told like everyone has to compromise
Speaker:and I just really don't think that I should
Speaker:have to compromise between my job and my kids. And
Speaker:I actually feel like I can have it all if
Speaker:you allow me to have it all. Like the
Speaker:reality is, is that I work harder than most people that
Speaker:don't have kids that are full-time versus me part-time with
Speaker:kids. Because I proactively make a point of doing so.
Speaker:And I just, I think actually, quite honestly, even women
Speaker:are actually the worst ones, like women
Speaker:versus women, we're kind of harder on ourselves
Speaker:than actually men. Like, I don't think men have the capacity,
Speaker:not in a bad way, but to even like gauge what's going on
Speaker:because there's so much in our brains, like juggling constantly.
Speaker:So yeah, like still to this day, I think work balance with
Speaker:kids is really my hardest challenge.
Speaker:It's just a lot. What does
Speaker:your balance look like for you right now, and are you happy with it?
Speaker:Well, on Monday I'm going back full-time.
Speaker:I'm not happy, but I'm happy in the sense of
Speaker:one job because before going back to one
Speaker:like job, I was doing like NHS, 3 different
Speaker:consultants doing different work for different people and just
Speaker:literally like, I can't keep on top of this. Like, never mind all the
Speaker:different patients, but like the different systems you have to log into, different
Speaker:email addresses, different— it's just too much. So
Speaker:now I'm going back just to one facility where I'll be full-time
Speaker:and I feel happy. I feel excited because
Speaker:I'll be lead nurse. It's a job opportunity that's come
Speaker:with one of the consultants that I was working for individually,
Speaker:and I'm excited for him and excited for me and excited
Speaker:for the people that I'm working with because we're trying to bring
Speaker:a kind of new, unique, I suppose, side to fertility
Speaker:treatment because we all have so much experience with
Speaker:infertility. But I also feel scared
Speaker:because I know the
Speaker:demand that's going to be on me and what I can
Speaker:fulfill, and I don't want to feel constantly
Speaker:crap about myself because I'm not meeting
Speaker:everyone's needs. And I— that's my biggest worry because
Speaker:I know I can do it all if I'm given the
Speaker:space to make it work for me. Um, and
Speaker:that's That's kind of why I get frustrated.
Speaker:Sounds like more than 24 hours in a day, Shelley. Oh yeah,
Speaker:absolutely. But like, yeah,
Speaker:and also like that's not even allowing for,
Speaker:you know, all the things that come with just simple
Speaker:day-to-day with your children, like getting up, giving breakfast,
Speaker:you know, the day-to-day going, you know, them going to school,
Speaker:drop-offs, pickups, and I'm facilitating everything as it is. I
Speaker:do after-school clubs. My child goes to a private nursery till 6
Speaker:o'clock. Like, I'm doing everything. And so why
Speaker:is it never good enough for some people? I'm learning
Speaker:to accept that it's good enough for me, and I'm doing everything I can that
Speaker:society will provide for me, and that will be it. But I
Speaker:refuse to earn less money or
Speaker:be made to feel like I'm less worthy because of it, because
Speaker:it's just— no, it's not going to happen.
Speaker:Um, but yeah, that's, that's my New Year's stance on
Speaker:career. And when you're—
Speaker:you have a career and you're a mom, there is no
Speaker:one right size fits all, and it's constantly going to be in flux,
Speaker:and everyone is always going to have an opinion, and you
Speaker:have to find what works for you and your family, and it
Speaker:can be really hard to shut out the noise,
Speaker:um, sometimes. And sometimes the noise gets a bit too much and you start to
Speaker:question your decisions. But, um, you're someone I find has always been
Speaker:quite grounded and been able to see, well, no, like, what works for me, what
Speaker:works for us. So it sounds like— I'm excited for you. This sounds like a
Speaker:really lovely opportunity. I want to circle back because we haven't
Speaker:had the chance to talk about your second pregnancy, and I know a lot
Speaker:happened, um, after your little girl was born.
Speaker:Um, so do you want to chat a little bit about, um, baby number 2
Speaker:and what followed in the months after?
Speaker:Yeah, that was hard. So Annie was perfect
Speaker:pregnancy, no issues, and born at 39
Speaker:weeks, elective section. I had elective sections on both my kids.
Speaker:Um, and for Annie, um, yeah, everything
Speaker:was fine. Like, my biggest concern was guilt over Jake
Speaker:because you bring in baby number 2 and it's this constant, like,
Speaker:feeling of not giving enough to the first and et cetera, et cetera.
Speaker:And I think it was around kind of 4 or 5
Speaker:weeks, she just was not herself,
Speaker:like, um, crying a lot, not feeding great,
Speaker:just something switched. Um, and I remember
Speaker:we were having work done downstairs in the house, so I had her
Speaker:upstairs because it was quite dusty and, um,
Speaker:just like not feeling right, like just being a bit like, oh,
Speaker:this doesn't feel right. And
Speaker:I remember I was awake with her till
Speaker:it ended up being 3 in the morning. She hadn't napped or slept
Speaker:all day. This is like a 4 or 5 week old. And
Speaker:I put her down, she'd cry. And I kept thinking, is this
Speaker:colic? Is this what colic mothers deal with? Because if it is, like,
Speaker:how do they survive? Like, I can't do this. And I
Speaker:was also like recovering still, you know, from the C-section and the uterine
Speaker:prolapse. And
Speaker:I remember just waking Liam up and going, you have to take her to the
Speaker:hospital because I'm literally gonna collapse.
Speaker:I'm so tired. So he took her to the hospital and
Speaker:they just said she had colic and
Speaker:he came home with her and then.
Speaker:It just continued. And she just, the following day I was
Speaker:calmer, but then I went
Speaker:to bed early. Yeah, I went to
Speaker:bed at like 9, I think. And I said she was asleep,
Speaker:um, with Liam, like downstairs. She had like one of those sleep nest
Speaker:things. And it got to around 10
Speaker:and I was still awake. And I texted
Speaker:him downstairs and I said, just do her temperature
Speaker:before she goes, like before you go to bed. And he
Speaker:did and it was high and she was so quiet and I think
Speaker:my gut was going, oh yeah, she was really quiet today. That's a bit weird.
Speaker:So then he went straight back up to the hospital
Speaker:and obviously a newborn with a temperature,
Speaker:they're just gonna like kick it all off. Lumber punctures, everything. Alarm
Speaker:bells. Yeah. Yeah. So they did a
Speaker:lumbar puncture and they failed, but because
Speaker:she was still having temperatures, they just gave her
Speaker:antibiotics, basically IV. Yeah. And then they
Speaker:repeated the lumbar puncture a couple of days later and it, it came
Speaker:back that it was bacterial meningitis. Wow.
Speaker:So yeah, I mean, I just, it never would've
Speaker:even. Dawned on me, to be honest. There was no rash. There was
Speaker:nothing apart from a crying baby. And
Speaker:so she was in hospital for a couple of days and then
Speaker:we got to go home because they had like a community team that would come
Speaker:and give antibiotics at home, which was amazing.
Speaker:So we came back. I was feeling far better because I was like, oh, we've
Speaker:got to the bottom of that. That's amazing. And she finished
Speaker:her antibiotics. And that was that. And then
Speaker:kind of as the weeks went by, I was like, she just
Speaker:still doesn't feel right. And she wasn't crying, but she was
Speaker:like feeding— like I was bottle feeding, so she was like
Speaker:minimally like having feeds. So she'd have like
Speaker:50ml and then like not be able to take anymore,
Speaker:and then you'd have to try again a half an hour later and then try
Speaker:again. And it was all it was like really going backwards.
Speaker:And, um, I just
Speaker:noticed her breathing was just off.
Speaker:Um, like really, I can't even remember. All
Speaker:I talked about was this type of breathing. You're gonna remind me.
Speaker:Um, all I talked about at the time was this breathing. What is it?
Speaker:The introverted breathing under the diaphragm. Oh, when
Speaker:they're having the intercostal recession. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Speaker:So, um, so for those who are listening and are not medical,
Speaker:essentially when you breathe, your chest wall should move normally,
Speaker:but if there is a form of distress, it almost looks
Speaker:like the skin is being sucked in between the ribs,
Speaker:um, is what she was describing. Yeah. And that basically was happening.
Speaker:And so I brought her. Back to the hospital
Speaker:in July and
Speaker:they were like, she has bronchiolitis and that's
Speaker:it. And then they did an X-ray and
Speaker:they were like, and they only did the X-ray because she'd had
Speaker:meningitis and the consultant was like, oh, the X-ray
Speaker:looks a bit funny, but it's because of the positioning. So
Speaker:we'll do an echo as an outpatient. And
Speaker:we'll do an ECG before she goes home.
Speaker:And then they did the ECG, but like, I'm watching the nurse do
Speaker:the ECG and obviously I'm a nurse and I'm going like, that's not
Speaker:an accurate ECG. My child's like literally jumping all over the bed.
Speaker:And then she came back and said, oh, ECG's all fine. And I'm like,
Speaker:so left. And the
Speaker:day after. I had her sitting on
Speaker:the couch and I was on my own and I was just
Speaker:staring at her and I was like, 'cause I knew something was wrong.
Speaker:And Liam came down, he was working upstairs and he went, 'Shelley, if
Speaker:you're worried, just bring her to your hospital.' And at
Speaker:that point, because I was bringing her to local
Speaker:hospitals to me, but UCLH is just,
Speaker:will always have my heart. That's where I worked and I just know
Speaker:the staff there are amazing. Yeah. But also I
Speaker:needed that push from him because at that point I started to feel like
Speaker:an absolute psychopath because I felt like
Speaker:everyone was like, she's fine. And I'm like,
Speaker:no, she's not fine. And then it's like, you know, you're just kind
Speaker:of in your head. Like, I'm still so early in this pregnancy.
Speaker:Yeah. You start to second-guess
Speaker:your instinct. It's that intuition you have. And it's,
Speaker:it's, I think there's a layer of complexity when you have some training in
Speaker:healthcare and you're a mom and you know,
Speaker:kind of a little bit too much. You're like, am I overthinking this
Speaker:or am I minimizing this? And it's really hard to gauge
Speaker:where you're at. And yeah, sometimes having your partner being like,
Speaker:just go and listen to your gut. Um, yeah.
Speaker:And it, it was so interesting because I went and I went
Speaker:on the train, went, 'cause it, you know, it's not a local hospital to me.
Speaker:And I brought her in and I was seen by a registrar
Speaker:and she was amazing. And she just said,
Speaker:you know, I said, listen, I said, if there's nothing wrong with her,
Speaker:there's something wrong with me. So we're both here
Speaker:as a combination at this stage. So I explained everything
Speaker:to her. She was, listened to me
Speaker:probably for 20 to 30 minutes. She just didn't say a word. She listened
Speaker:to every single thing and she went, right, leave it with me. And she went
Speaker:away and she organized X-rays, everything. She was
Speaker:so, so precise. And we then
Speaker:were breaching A&E time. So we got moved up to the ward,
Speaker:which I've seen happen. So I didn't feel worried.
Speaker:But then when I got up there, a consultant came in
Speaker:and said, yeah, there's something on the X-ray.
Speaker:And I don't know what it is. And I was like, if a
Speaker:consultant is saying to me, he doesn't know what it is, this is
Speaker:pretty difficult. So yeah, firstly,
Speaker:there was relief in a way because I was like, well, I'm in
Speaker:the right place and I've done the right thing. I wasn't imagining
Speaker:it. Absolutely.
Speaker:And they basically then got onto Great Ormond Street.
Speaker:And there was constant ward rounds, you know, people coming around, especially in
Speaker:paediatrics. Like, they're always doing ward rounds. And
Speaker:one doctor came and she was like, oh, see that mass?
Speaker:Like, she's got something in her chest. And I was
Speaker:like, I haven't seen that. She said, get down
Speaker:on your hunkers and look at her chest. And
Speaker:I did. And there was like this big rise
Speaker:on like her left side. Like, and so they were like, we're
Speaker:gonna refer her to oncology cuz this could be like a
Speaker:cancerous mass. So I'm like,
Speaker:what is going on? Spiral. Yeah, totally.
Speaker:So then they got one of the neonatal consultants to come down
Speaker:and do an echo. And that was like when everything
Speaker:just kicked off because I went
Speaker:downstairs and I came back up and he was doing the echo and I
Speaker:walked over to the machine and I went, what's that?
Speaker:Because I was looking at a heart with 4
Speaker:chambers and one of those chambers is massive.
Speaker:And I'm like, that's not normal. And he was like, no, it's not normal.
Speaker:So we then got like an New Zealand, straight over to
Speaker:Great Ormond Street Hospital. They were absolutely incredible.
Speaker:And as everyone knows, like, they're just the best hospital.
Speaker:But it was literally like, we went in,
Speaker:they're like doing an echo on her because they want to do an
Speaker:echo. She's vomiting. And then I'm just straight into
Speaker:like mom mode but nurse mode. So I'm like,
Speaker:right, you know, do what you have to do. It doesn't matter if she's vomiting,
Speaker:do the echo, just get on with it. And
Speaker:anyway, it turns out that she had left
Speaker:ventricular heart failure.
Speaker:And they didn't know why, but it soon came to light
Speaker:basically that this was all as a result of
Speaker:her meningitis and she had developed myocarditis,
Speaker:which then led to that. So crazy.
Speaker:Absolutely crazy. So thankfully, whilst we were in there,
Speaker:she responded to IV
Speaker:medication, no oral medication, because the next step would've been
Speaker:IV. And then after that it's transplant.
Speaker:Like there's literally nowhere to go. But
Speaker:she responded well, so that was amazing.
Speaker:But being in there was surreal and kind of, you
Speaker:know, you're on a ward where people have got Berlin Hearts. There are babies
Speaker:waiting for transplants. So you're in this surrounding of
Speaker:going, this could be me, because all they kept telling me was, we don't know
Speaker:what's going to happen. You know, that, that's
Speaker:all we can tell you. And I understood that, but obviously,
Speaker:how do you process it? Yeah. How did you manage the
Speaker:uncertainty during that time?
Speaker:I don't know. I think you just did. Like, I
Speaker:don't. I don't think I managed anything. I
Speaker:just kept showing up, and I think I felt it
Speaker:was easier for me because I understood the
Speaker:lingo. I understood the machines. I understood
Speaker:everything. Like, there was nothing that kind of was—
Speaker:sorry, there was nothing that was kind of off-putting for me. Like,
Speaker:I could get the whole medical situation. I could ask questions and not feel
Speaker:silly because I knew that I knew the basis of everything,
Speaker:but you just do it. Like, you kind
Speaker:of just get on with it. And in some weird ways, there was relief
Speaker:because I was not a weirdo anymore. I wasn't a
Speaker:psycho that was overanalyzing my child.
Speaker:I was now at a point where I was like, well, at least nothing
Speaker:happened at home where, you know, she became
Speaker:unresponsive or, you know, this is all being dealt with.
Speaker:Yeah. And how was it for
Speaker:Liam? He just followed
Speaker:me. Like, he just was just there.
Speaker:Obviously it was scary for him, but he was
Speaker:a lot more positive than me. Not that I
Speaker:wasn't positive, but I was just more practical. He was like, this is going to
Speaker:be fine. You know, he almost could deal with not
Speaker:understanding anything, whereas I want to know everything. So he was
Speaker:like, this is fine, we're in the best place, she's gonna be sore as shit.
Speaker:And yeah, so that, I mean, that
Speaker:part of it was the easiest part. I think
Speaker:the, the hardest part was the following bit when she got
Speaker:bronchiolitis, actually got bronchiolitis,
Speaker:um, because with heart failure, um, and that became really serious
Speaker:really quickly. And I ended up back
Speaker:in UCLH again. And like, when she
Speaker:arrived, her sats were like 70-something. And like,
Speaker:she was just poorly. And they ended up bringing
Speaker:a anaesthetist in. We might need to intubate her. They
Speaker:had to get like an ICU ambulance.
Speaker:And I was just, at that point, I was just—
Speaker:I don't know. I was just like, I feel like I was a horrible
Speaker:person to some of the staff because I was like,
Speaker:I found like some of the nurses especially, they were like,
Speaker:oh, are you okay, mum? And I was like,
Speaker:oh my God, like, are you like the gravity of this?
Speaker:And they were only being nice, but I was just like not in
Speaker:the kind of state to deal with this. The
Speaker:month before, so in September,
Speaker:my mum had been diagnosed with brain mets, and they didn't know where
Speaker:the primary cancer had come from. So this was her secondary.
Speaker:And it was— she was literally in hospital
Speaker:like a week by the time Annie went into hospital. And
Speaker:so I was dealing with— Yeah. And
Speaker:also a sick mum where I knew the prognosis
Speaker:wasn't good. But my brothers didn't
Speaker:really, like, and I knew like
Speaker:she's gonna die. And my brother kept saying to me, you need to come
Speaker:back. And I was like, I can't leave my child. She's in ICU,
Speaker:like on like CPAP, like at any point
Speaker:she could be ventilated. And
Speaker:so when Annie was discharged.
Speaker:Eventually from that situation, and thankfully her heart didn't
Speaker:deteriorate or anything.
Speaker:When we were discharged on that day, so we got home on the Friday,
Speaker:and that night my mum died, and I was due to fly back
Speaker:on the, I think it was like the following Monday because
Speaker:I had kind of left a bit of a gap, which was sad and
Speaker:really difficult, but at the same time, like, I knew I was
Speaker:in the right place. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.
Speaker:Yeah. Yeah. That
Speaker:must have been so hard. Oh, crazy.
Speaker:Like, there was one point where I, like, said,
Speaker:I was like, I need someone to speak to me because I can't deal
Speaker:with this. And they brought up, like, a psychologist
Speaker:in Great Ormond Street, and she brought me into her room and she
Speaker:was like, I'm not even lying, she was like, I don't even know what to
Speaker:say to you. She was like, this is just,
Speaker:I don't know how to help this situation because this is like
Speaker:the shittest situation to ever be in.
Speaker:So there was a lot. It brings when it rains, it pours a whole
Speaker:new meaning. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker:But it was Yeah, I suppose, you know, you learn
Speaker:so much from those times and kind of your
Speaker:strengths. I think I like decompartmentalized
Speaker:like half of it. Like I think there was half I pushed away until
Speaker:I had to deal with it and vice versa. And I think
Speaker:that's our body protecting us. Did you find that,
Speaker:that intense period with essentially a
Speaker:baby under the age of 1, sick, mom,
Speaker:which is such a special relationship, essentially dying and not
Speaker:getting to go over. Did you find that that all came
Speaker:flooding back in like the months and the years afterwards? Or do you still
Speaker:find that sometimes waves of it come back? Or are
Speaker:you the type of person who like managed to put it in little parts,
Speaker:processed it, and then moved forward? How did that look for
Speaker:you. Oh no, like, I couldn't. I still don't even, if
Speaker:I'm being honest, I still don't even think I've touched the surface
Speaker:of all of that. Annie's
Speaker:2 years and 7 months now, and I
Speaker:still just think I'm coming through. And I,
Speaker:so when I had Jake, I remember being like,
Speaker:I just can't do this. Like, I was crying all the time, and I rang
Speaker:my GP, and I'm quite an open person, so I was like,
Speaker:this isn't normal. And she was like, let's prescribe you some
Speaker:antidepressants. And I was like, okay, well, let's see how I go. And
Speaker:I honestly, like, I think throughout my 20s, like, I've always suffered
Speaker:anxiety, and I've always been kind of like, oh, well,
Speaker:there's a reason. Why do I feel like that? I have to get to the
Speaker:bottom of it, etc., etc. And I did the same with Jake.
Speaker:And then I remember sitting there after I'd had Annie, and maybe she
Speaker:was like a year she could have been
Speaker:older. And I just was like, I'm starting antidepressants
Speaker:and I'm starting them now. And I had a private GP
Speaker:that I called because I knew I'd talk myself out of it. And
Speaker:I called them and I was like, I need to start today. And
Speaker:he sent me a prescription and I went and got the tablets and literally started
Speaker:them. And I still
Speaker:feel that was the best thing I ever did. But at the
Speaker:same time, I still feel that that is pushing down a
Speaker:huge amount of what I'm not dealing with because it is
Speaker:taking the edge off and there is that numbing.
Speaker:And I think, you know, in time
Speaker:it will come. And I think, you know, not to go into it
Speaker:really, but like with my family in Ireland,
Speaker:so much has happened and there was just so much of a
Speaker:breakdown. And basically I don't talk to any of them apart
Speaker:from my sister now. And that's devastating because it
Speaker:came so late in life rather than like a breakdown early in life that
Speaker:you get used to it. So like with that and having
Speaker:two young kids and a career and all of the rest of it,
Speaker:I just feel like there's an element of me just in survival mode.
Speaker:I'm just pushing through. But I
Speaker:feel like— Or the time
Speaker:taps. Absolutely. That's exactly it. You need to almost go
Speaker:away. And like sit down and journal for like
Speaker:2 weeks to really kind of, you
Speaker:know, write your book and write your feelings and get it all
Speaker:out. But, you know, I'm still really grateful that I'm on
Speaker:sertraline because it's changed my life in so many ways. Like,
Speaker:I'm less anxious and I just— I can
Speaker:take things a little bit more slowly. Yeah. And
Speaker:it's— I mean, all of this happened in a very vulnerable period
Speaker:where— and I think we're only getting studies that are coming out now showing all
Speaker:the changes that happen in your brain matter and in the
Speaker:connections. And it makes a woman extremely vulnerable
Speaker:to any life stressors or lack of support. And you had like the
Speaker:extreme, you know. So yeah, I
Speaker:probably will take time, but you're someone who's— I
Speaker:mean, just hearing your story, extremely resilient
Speaker:having navigated that. Do you have anything that you
Speaker:do for you Or do you find that you have space
Speaker:for yourself these days, or is life still quite chaotic?
Speaker:Like, my, my space at the moment is just being left alone in the
Speaker:house with no kids or husband. Like, for me, that's like my
Speaker:happy space to just sit down, watch TV. Like,
Speaker:even cleaning is like nice when no one's around me.
Speaker:So I'm at that stage where like everyone's on top of me all of the
Speaker:time. Like I said to Liam the other day, like Why
Speaker:are these two kids sitting on top of me and you're just sat over there
Speaker:on the couch watching telly? And like, I've got Annie
Speaker:on one leg and Jake's like cuddled around me and I love it. I
Speaker:do love it. But there's times where I just am like, I
Speaker:need space. I'm overstimulated. Like it's too much.
Speaker:So I don't really know. I don't, I haven't gone back to anything in particular
Speaker:that I like to do. Like reading,
Speaker:I used to love reading books. I can't even. Read like
Speaker:1 or 2 pages. In, in reality, that's my life at the
Speaker:moment. But yeah, you know, I strive to get there
Speaker:eventually. Do you feel like
Speaker:throughout this whole process you lost parts of who you were, or
Speaker:was ever a time where you didn't really recognize yourself?
Speaker:Yeah, absolutely. Like, my whole identity changed. I'm
Speaker:still trying to get my identity back, and actually
Speaker:seeing myself differently because my children
Speaker:trigger so many parts of me that I know I need to work on myself.
Speaker:Like, so feeling rage or
Speaker:feeling angry or irritated by something
Speaker:that like is totally out of their control because they're like children, that
Speaker:irritates me, is something that I
Speaker:need to work on. And trying to get into that inner space in me,
Speaker:like, or inner child, to try and really work out what's
Speaker:going on there. Like, that's something I never thought about
Speaker:before I had children, really, you know. I thought it was fine.
Speaker:Um, so that and independence and, and totally like my
Speaker:identity has totally changed. I think I'm still truly who I am
Speaker:in the sense of I've always been quite like an
Speaker:outspoken person and, and quite confident, but also
Speaker:You know, like my own space, like, you know, I'm a bit of a control
Speaker:freak. I'm still like that. There's all those kind of
Speaker:elements. And yeah,
Speaker:like I'm maybe not as outgoing as I come across
Speaker:and all those parts still, still stay. But
Speaker:loads, loads has changed.
Speaker:If you had any words of advice, say someone is in the throes of
Speaker:it. Is there anything that helped you get by
Speaker:during those difficult times or still helps you to get by just the chaos of
Speaker:the day-to-day? I'll tell you what didn't help
Speaker:first before I tell you what helped. Okay. When people
Speaker:would say, when people would say to me, this is just a
Speaker:phase. When you're in it,
Speaker:it doesn't feel like a phase. When you're sleep deprived and your
Speaker:child's not sleeping, there is no end in sight because that
Speaker:is your current living. Like, you never— especially
Speaker:with your first child, because you don't know what's to come.
Speaker:You have no, you know, space to kind of look ahead and go,
Speaker:oh yeah, well, I know that they eventually get over that. That was
Speaker:such a hard one for me because I'd be like, oh, it's just a phase.
Speaker:And every day I'd be like, is the phase over yet? Is the phase
Speaker:over? And then you end up rushing through it
Speaker:rather than enjoying it. I don't know if I have like
Speaker:advice for people because
Speaker:I'm still learning so much myself, but I would say
Speaker:contact, try and go out, walk,
Speaker:see people even if you don't want to, even if it
Speaker:means going to the supermarket and buying a pint of milk just to get out
Speaker:of the house. That really helped me. I still went to
Speaker:baby groups. I didn't want to be there. I had an
Speaker:NCT group where I had like a connection of mothers who
Speaker:we all met when we were pregnant and then had our babies and things like
Speaker:that. And I think connection is important,
Speaker:but I also think that if you don't want to connect with people, don't
Speaker:be too hard on yourself because there's this kind of stereotype that you
Speaker:need to be at every single baby group. And if your baby's not at baby
Speaker:massage and going to the next kind of group, they're not going to
Speaker:develop. They will develop, you know, they just need love and
Speaker:feeding and that. And I think that's especially
Speaker:hard with your first. Yeah.
Speaker:Did you find you were more comfortable going into
Speaker:motherhood with Annie, even though it was total chaos that
Speaker:first year? Yeah. Yeah, I was.
Speaker:And also it was nice because she wasn't as difficult as
Speaker:Jake was in terms of, like, I mean, Jake still doesn't sleep.
Speaker:Well, he does, but you have to lie with him for like 2 hours before
Speaker:he falls asleep. My eldest is like that too.
Speaker:Yeah, it's very tiring, as you
Speaker:know. But with Annie, she just kind of snuck in and
Speaker:just fit into everything, and it was really nice.
Speaker:And I didn't
Speaker:realize how much I needed her until I had her.
Speaker:Yeah. That's how I felt with
Speaker:her. And both of them, you know, that's not
Speaker:to say I don't feel like that with Jake, but there was a change
Speaker:in me with her because I think
Speaker:I was coming out of, you know,
Speaker:even though like I genuinely think I had postnatal depression with Jake
Speaker:that wasn't treated and then I went with her
Speaker:and just kind of softened everything and was a bit less harsh on
Speaker:myself, I think. Yeah, I think
Speaker:we put unrealistic standards on ourselves and
Speaker:put standards that are very high. I also think,
Speaker:and I don't know if you find that, that the screening tools that we
Speaker:have for postnatal depression, like, it doesn't even really touch anxiety,
Speaker:um, and they're done really early on, and a of what I'm
Speaker:noticing from conversations is that it needs
Speaker:to be screened at multiple touch points, not in just those first couple of
Speaker:weeks. And I think a lot of women go under the radar
Speaker:without even realizing it, and then they come out of the fog and be like,
Speaker:what just happened? I was not like me. And it takes, it takes
Speaker:a couple of years for each child, and each woman is different, of course. And
Speaker:there's so many different circumstances, but I think
Speaker:your story is probably— yeah, um, your story is likely to resonate
Speaker:with a lot of women. And even just
Speaker:hearing that despite all the challenges you
Speaker:faced, you got through it, um, and that, you know,
Speaker:um, you're now entering a new job and you're going to have challenges again, and
Speaker:life is not perfect and there will be ups and downs, and
Speaker:you learn to ride the waves, and you seem to be
Speaker:very adept at riding those waves. So, well,
Speaker:I think so, but I think unfortunately for women, I think that we have to
Speaker:ride the waves because we have no choice. But it's what we do
Speaker:afterwards that's important, um, and how we speak up
Speaker:and, and help each other and talk to each other. Yeah.
Speaker:So I think with that,
Speaker:um, I will leave it. I look forward to hearing about your
Speaker:book. You mentioned it in passing. So when the time comes that you
Speaker:feel ready to write down your experience, I think it'll be something definitely worth
Speaker:reading. So thanks again so much for sharing so
Speaker:openly your experience with us today, and I,
Speaker:uh, look forward to hearing what others think. And
Speaker:if you have any questions, feel free to reach out. And I wish you
Speaker:all the best with your new job. Um, anybody going
Speaker:to see you is very lucky to be in your care. Thank you
Speaker:for having me. Yeah, take care.
